We all can picture in our minds the “perfect” 1950s housewife. She cooked and cleaned in dresses and pearls. It seemed that a “good mother” was defined by the condition of her home and the taste of her casserole. Luckily, most mothers in our generation have moved beyond that stereo-type. It is easy for us to scoff at those standards of perfection and feel grateful that we don’t have to fit that mold. However, I believe we just have a new standard for perfection, one that those 1950 housewives are probably so grateful they do not have to face: social media.
Social media has allowed us to get little glimpses into people’s lives, without even knowing who they are. We usually see it the very best (or staged) parts. Social media has, unintentionally, allowed the modern mother to set unrealistic expectations of a different kind. For a long time, I would be hard on myself after looking at blogs or Instagram, thinking, “If they can do it all, why can’t I? I must be some sort of failure if I wear workout clothes all day and all I can manage to do is take care of my kids.” I allowed social media to shape what I believed “good mothers” must do. I began to believe that good moms have it all together; they throw amazing parties and have magazine worthy homes. Good moms always have their hair done and never wear sweats all day. These picture perfect images would certainly never lose their cool or feed their children macaroni and cheese from a box. Beyond that, good moms are also humanitarians, small business owners and socialites. More is more. That is what I allowed myself to think, and I felt discouraged about what I was not doing in my own little world.
It took me a while to realize that I was giving more power to social media than it deserved to have. Social media was not intended to set the standards for motherhood; we have just given it that power. I also realized that the reason I couldn’t “do more” was because I didn’t want to. I was in the thick of raising small children and there was nothing that I wanted to do more than taking care of them. However, it was something that I had to allow myself to be OK with. I had to remove the word JUST from my description of what I was. I wasn’t JUST a mom. I was a mom who was happy and grateful to be able to focus on raising my kids. During this time, I made a short list of the things that I believe can help mothers feel their worth. The following are a list of characteristics that I have observed in the women whom I view as "good moms".
These mothers:
1. Are not only aware of priorities, but recognize that priorities change with the passage of time. Priorities will look different in your different stages and circumstances.
2. Recognize the value of time. If I am doing something that takes me away from my children, is it worth it to me? Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no. The outcome of this question will look different for all of us, depending on our circumstances and our needs.
3. Is aware of her strengths as well as her weaknesses. There comes a point when we all have to realize that there are things that we can and can’t do. And that is OK. We really can’t do it all and be it all.
4. Try. Good mothers just keep on trying. None of us get it right all of the time… really, ever. If you feel you can improve, that shows you really care about your role as a mother. And that makes you a good one.
Lastly, this post is not meant to disparage social media or working moms. I admire those moms who are doing amazing things beyond raising children and help to ease the financial burdens in their homes. Most of these women are pursuing other things because of emotional needs and/or circumstances. It does not make them better or worse than you. I also must note, that I know for a fact that people on social media do not intend for you to feel bad about yourself because of the things they post. They are sharing their strengths. It is OK if their strengths are not your strengths. Social media does not “make you” feel a certain way; we allow it. It is time to take back the power we give social media. Do not let what you see be the definition of what you think you should be as a mother. There are a million ways to be a good mother. You have the power, not social media! Decide what makes you a good one, and do it.
